OVERCOMING FIRST YEAR HURDLES

by Terri L. White 

For the family whose children have previously been educated in a conventional school, the first year will be the most difficult. Challenges may surface in discipline, character development, self-esteem, academics, or even in your lifestyle. Just as our forefathers weathered obstacles while traversing unfamiliar territory in covered wagons, you will face your fears, insecurities, inadequacies, and temptations to throw in the towel. Along with these uncertainties, however, you will discover new-found relationships with your children, a strengthened family, and a solid network of veteran home schoolers to befriend you, guide you around pitfalls, and help pull you out of traps. Yes, your whole world could turn upside-down, but as you deal with your "Goliaths," positive adjustments will be effected as you gain insights into alternative ways of viewing life and learning.

Developing disciplined children could be your most significant accomplishment in your beginning months. Not surprisingly, undisciplined children pose the greatest threat to a successful home school.  Because many parents flounder in our culture’s sea of humanistic child training methods, children have become selfish and rebellious. Clear, biblical guidelines are a must for successful child training. Just as God uses the Law as a guideline for godly living, so parents must establish guidelines in their homes. Rules are like a fence to a small child; it protects him from outside intruders and keeps him within safe perimeters. While providing security for the child, rules also keep parents consistent in their disciplinary measures.

Our family used the "crime and punishment" method. Early in our marriage, my husband and I made a list of "crimes" with the appropriate discipline to fit each "crime." The following are examples from our list when our children were small:

As you can see, each misbehavior is accompanied by a form of discipline appropriate for that particular problem. We believe in spanking for rebellion, but spanking is not needed in every instance. Also, the list changes as the children grow older. The beauty of using this method is that the children know in advance what is expected of them. It also keeps the parents in unity as they are required to consistently apply the same form of discipline.

With unity and consistency, the parents must include a calm response to the breaking of family rules. Dealing with a child in anger only pushes him away from you and produces rebellion instead of obedience. The child should also be expected to verbally confess his wrong doing, followed by forgiveness and a warm hug from the parent. Every child needs to know that he is loved no matter how disobedient he is. In this way, we represent to our children the manner in which God unconditionally loves us.

A word of caution --there is a world of difference between authoritarian and authoritative discipline. Children raised by authoritarian parents get distinct messages: ‘Obey, or else . . . As long as you live under my roof, you’ll do it because I say so, and that’s that!’ With a heavy finger pointing at the child (rather than the behavior), authoritarian parents punish instead of discipline. Instead of dominating their children and making all decisions for them, authoritative parents apply disciplinary measures that focus on the behavior of the child, not the child. What happens to our children in this process is two fold: (1) As they are brought under parental authority in an authoritative manner, they begin to develop self-discipline and start to do what is right, not because of fear of punishment, but simply because it is right to do so. An accountability for their actions has been developed. (2) Then, as your children go through their hormone changes as teen-agers, instead of rebelling, they make their adjustment into young adulthood with greater ease.  Children who are brought under parental authority and made accountable for their actions in a warm and loving home are trained for holiness, not rebellion.

If your child is out-of-control, summer is a good time to concentrate on bringing him under authority. Nevertheless, if you have brought your child home mid-term, and have difficulty in this area, let your heaviest concentration be on discipline, with a very light academic load. Because a rebellious child cannot be taught, this must be a priority. Once you have established your authority, and your child becomes more teachable, you can increase his studies.

This first year will also give you an opportunity to assess your child’s self-image. Hopefully, you will be delightfully pleased in his overall emotional health; however, you may observe some inappropriate reactions to situations or even witness damaging habits. A child who sees himself as worthwhile and useful has no need to develop destructive patterns. He does not turn to drugs and rebellion. He possesses a cooperative spirit, a sense of responsibility, and positive attitudes towards his family. His relationship with his parents is one of mutual trust and respect.  To encourage a positive self-image in your child, practice the A-B-C’s of self-worth by letting your child know that he is accepted, that he belongs, and feels capable in at least one area of his life.

Another first year difficulty could be a shocker -- your previous "A" or "B" student might be found lacking in basic skills. If this is the case, your first year should be spent reinforcing your child’s academic foundation. Pursue the studies planned for year one only when you feel convinced that he is able to move on -- bearing in mind that real progress depends on the child’s ability rather than age level. Careful attention in this area will save your child a lifetime of educational handicaps.

You may discover that your lifestyle or commitments do not gel with this new path on which you are walking. A prayerful evaluation of your priorities will perhaps require some adjustments. If you are accustomed to saying ‘yes’ to every church or community project, you may need to learn to say ‘no’ without any guilt feelings. Do not totally retreat from the world, but find a balance. Include your children in an occasional outside project. Enjoy an outlet just for you while your children participate in an activity. Be wise in your family planning. The world tends to make us feel that we are cheating ourselves and our children if we are not involved in certain community or church activities. No so! Treasure your family time, and guard it like a hawk, while sprinkling it sparingly with outside interests that harmonize with your family values and priorities.

Lack of confidence in your ability to teach your own children will sometimes sweep over you like tidal waves. This is a common problem even with seasoned home educators. Well-meaning friends, family, and neighbors may attempt to discourage you, thus increasing the pressure. Full support from your spouse, a strong link with a local support group, a consistent relationship with the LORD, and determination are musts for survival. As you experience success in your first year, your self-confidence will blossom, and with it a deepening appreciation for your choice to home school.

Every family member is challenged and stimulated in the home school. Opportunities for change and growth abound as you face weaknesses in both yourself and your children. With children gone all day at traditional schools, character flaws can go unnoticed until they are in full bloom. Home schooling, however, provides the opportunity to see and correct weaknesses when still tiny sprouts. In this way, true education can occur, providing well-rounded growth for the whole person.

RECOMMENDED READING:

Bringing up Kids Without Tearing Them Down, by Dr. Kevin Leman  

Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours, by Dr. Kevin Leman

Survivors Guide to Home Schooling, by Luanne Shakelford and Susan White

The How and Why of Home Schooling, by Ray Ballman

What the Bible Says About Child Training, by J. Richard Fugate

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