This lesson will
possibly not be like any teaching on marriage and the family that you have ever
heard. After spending years on the treadmill of 'works-centered' teachings, we have
discovered the grace of God for our family. This lesson shares that discovery. It is not
intended to be an in-depth study; a list of resources will be recommended for further
study. We ask that you prayerfully read this lesson and let the Holy Spirit speak to you.
Then God said,
"Let Us make man in Our
image, according to Our
likeness. . ."(Gen.
1:26)
And the LORD
God said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him."(Gen. 2:18)
Therefore a
man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. (Gen. 2:24)
In the beginning God created
everything and pronounced it good. The only part of creation that God considered not good
was that man was alone. God then created woman and instituted marriage, the union of man
and woman. He commanded them to be
fruitful and multiply -- to have
children. This clearly shows us that God instituted both marriage and the family. He also
established order in marriage and family life: man was to leave, cleave, andbecome one flesh with woman. Jesus said, "So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God
has joined together, let not man separate" (Matt. 19:6). Before sin entered the human race, God had a pattern
and order for marriage and the family. We need to know what His will is concerning family
life since God created the family. If we examine the order established at creation, we
will find a blueprint for our families today.
As
Lesson Two, Part One explains, it took both male and female to truly
represent the likeness of God. The 'man' was in charge, but the man to whom responsibility
was given – to be fruitful, fill the earth, subdue it, and rule over every living
thing – was still both male and female. Therefore, the first aspect of God’s
original plan for marriage is that the husband
and wife function together as co-rulers, co-subduers.
God made the woman as a helper for Adam (Gen. 2:18). This Hebrew word describes the woman as completing, suitable, fitted, corresponding, called
to the side of, a helper. The woman
was the 'other part' of the man. Scripture does not say that God gave the man an assistant
to order around. Beasts of the earth were to be ruled over, but the woman was made to
stand along side of the man in leadership – to be his partner (Gen. 2:21).
Adam’s first response
(Gen. 2:23) when he awoke and saw Eve was, "Wow! This person came from me and is a lot like me, but
different."(Our
paraphrase) He did not exclaim how great it was to have someone to cater to his every
need. Continuing on, Adam makes the profound statement in verse 24 that man should leave
his parents and be joined to his wife to become one flesh. This was a prophetic statement
for future humanity because 'Ish' and 'Isha' (Adam and Eve) had already become one
flesh. When a man and a
woman join into the marriage covenant, they are "one flesh" -- this
is God’s plan for marriage. The couple then spends the rest of their lives
working that 'oneness' out.In
this plan the man and woman walked as co-rulers, as one flesh totally dependent upon God.
So it was in the beginning, so it can be again in the New Covenant. But how did we get so
far off track?
GOD'S PLAN FOILED:
Dependent upon God as the
only One who could give life and meet all their needs, the first man and woman did not need to make any demands on each
other. Such a relationship truly
reflected His image. However, once the serpent convinced them they could do a better job
of being God than God, they began to depend upon themselves instead of God as their
source. As a result, all relationships drastically changed.
All of humankind have three
types of relationships: with God, with oneself, and with others. In relationship to God,
Adam and Eve became afraid and hid. In relationship to themselves, they were burdened with
shame. And in relationship with others, specifically male and female in this case, they
began to blame and condemn. Each kind of relationship affects the others.
Genesis 3 further describes
the serious consequences of Adam and Eve’s sin, traditionally called the 'Curse'. In
verse 16b God told the woman, "Your
desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you. . ." God is simply revealing the self-centered core
that was beginning to motivate each of them:
The woman would not only
attempt to draw life from the man who was not capable of filling these deep needs, but
would also struggle to control him.
The man would strive to rule
over the woman, either aggressively or passively, trying to keep her quiet about his
inadequacy to fill her needs.
Each would demand
love, respect, nurturing from the other. Thus, as the generations of their children
passed, men and women would forget that they were never supposed to draw their life from
each other.
God’s intention was for
husbands and wives to rule together, dependent on Him, mirroring His image in the way we
relate in love to each other. The Fall perverted all of that. The words desire for used by God in Genesis 16b are also used to warn Cain in chapter
4, verse 7: "If you do well, will
not your countenance be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the
door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it." Sin’s desire is to rule or control; it is destructive,
dominating, and usurping. This results in marriages locked in a battle for control. It can be carefully cloaked in religious terms or in worldly
in-your-face rebellion. Passive and subtle or aggressive and obvious, it is controlling
nonetheless.
C — Controlling
U — Unforgiving
R — Reactive
S — Shaming
E — Ego-Driven
The Curse – this is what
pervades our marriages and is passed down to the children.
THE NEW COVENANT BRINGS US
BACK TO THE GARDEN:
"And do not be drunk
with wine, in which is dissipation; but be [continuously] filled with the Spirit,
speaking to one another in
psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord,
giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus
Christ,
submitting to one another
in the fear of God.
Wives, submit to your own
husbands, as to the Lord. . .
Husbands, love your wives,
just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it . . .
Children obey your parents
. . .
fathers, do not provoke
your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the
Lord."(Ephesians
5:18-25; 6:1a, 4)
Husbands and wives who
attempt to be filled from their spouses, or parents who try to get filled from their
children live out the consequences of the Fall. Ephesians 5:18-21 give us some very
insightful guidelines for New Covenant living that can transform marriages and families.
Paul is reminding Christians to turn to the Holy Spirit as their Source of filling. The
Greek word for filled is pleroma. It means permeated -- as the tea leaves in the tea bag permeate the water in a cup.
Since the verb form be filled is in the present, passive, imperative form, it
does not carry a command of something you can do, but rather something that
must be done to you on a continuous basis. A more literal rendering might be: "Allow yourself to be continuously filled with
the Spirit" or "Get your life from God. Remain in a continuously dependent
relationship with Him in order to meet your needs." It is the very essence of the Christian life. The results of being
filled with the Spirit literally reverse the effects that the curse has on relationships:
THE CURSE
THE PLAN
With
Others
blaming
desire for
(female toward male)
rule over (male
toward female)
psalms,
hymns and Spiritual songs (v. 19)
submitting to one
another (v.21)
Inside
Ourselves
shame
a
song in our hearts (v. 19)
With
God
fear
and hiding from God
going
toward God with thanksgiving (v. 19, 20)
The word submit is the Greek word hupostasis. It means to arrange yourself underneath and has strong military overtones as an infantry
person would submit to the commanding general. Submitting is a result of being
continuously filled with the Spirit. After the Fall, husbands and wives became locked in a
power struggle. Both are over the other and both are under the other, because both are trying to rule. This passage tells us how to reverse and escape
the 'Curse'.
Paul’s instructions to
wife/husband (5:22,23), parent/child (6:1-4), and slave/master [employee/employer] (6:5-9)
illustrate how submission to one another works in various relationships. While the passage
begins with wives, we cannot ignore what Paul is saying about husbands in this regard. If
husbands are not to submit to their wives, then there is no"submitting to one another."
If the husband is the head of
the wife as "Christ is the head
of the church," then we need to
understand what it means for Christ to be the head of the church. Ephesians 1:18-23
portrays the powerful, eternal, victorious Christ whose headship over all things is a gift
to the church. In Ephesians 4:7-16, Christ’s headship defeats and takes our enemy
captive, bringing about our freedom. That’s why we have the gifts we need to learn,
to grow, and to help others. Consequently, the effect of having Christ as our head is that
we have everything we need in Jesus through the Holy Spirit. Just what did Jesus do to
become the head of the church? He sacrificed His own life for the church (5:25). In other
words, Jesus submitted His life not only to the Father, but also to the church.
"Just as
the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for
many."(Matt.
20:28)
"Looking
unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him
[the church] endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of
the throne of God. (Heb.
12:2)
". . .
Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps: Who
committed no sin, nor was guile found in His mouth; who, when He was reviled, did not
revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who
judges righteously." (I
Peter 2:21-23)
Christ is over the church,
not because He placed himself over us, but because we placed ourselves under Him to become believers. All the activity of Christ (our head) is to
come under, to serve, to build, and even to die for the church. In the world 'head' means
boss. But in the Kingdom of God, the
head is a person who comes under
others, serving and building, and being willing to die for them – this is true
submission. Therefore, the husband also submits to his wife just as the wife submits to
her husband. In practical terms this means that each one loves and supports the other, allowing God to take the lead in changing each other and
directing their lives. As we obey the scripture to submit to one another, we will have
relationships in which God can be seen. The image of God will again seen on the earth as
it was in the beginning.
This teaching to the church
in Ephesus went against the customs of their culture. Wives were for taking care of the
house and the children, while men went to other women for sex and companionship. The only
way Christian husbands and wives could go against the cultural norm and walk in mutual
submission was by being continuously
filled with the Spirit. The
same is for us today. In our culture, feminism screams from every corner of society. And
sadly, in the church, husbands and wives are burdened with lists of what each must
do for their spouses so their marriages are 'in God’s order', resulting in a 'works -
centered' life, doomed for failure. However, when we find our fulfillment in Jesus,
instead of trying to get our spouses to fill us up, we are empowered to live lives of
mutual submission in all of our relationships. Whether or not a spouse or child responds
in kind will not control us; the love, joy, and peace promised us by the Holy Spirit
resides in us regardless of our circumstances.
WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?
In the Ephesian culture
children were already under their parents and often sold or killed if they did not live up
to their parents’ expectations. For the father, then, to place himself under (submit
to) his children was unthinkable. Society would think the father was not ruling over his
household. However, proper training, Paul explained, required submission on the part of
the parents toward the children. Practical application is indicated in Ephesians 6:4 --
Christian parents must stop short of discipline when further discipline would provoke the
children to anger.
The Greek word for anger is perigismos,
meaning seething hostility or suppressed anger. Ephesians 4:26 ("Be angry and do not sin. . .") uses another Greek word for anger, orgay.
This kind of anger is neither good nor bad. Rather it is simply a signal that something
important to us has been threatened or damaged. It is the response to that anger that is
either good or bad. If a child is provoked to anger by improper discipline, orgay
becomes perigismos -- suppressed anger. This builds up in a child to later
produce rebellion. As parents, part of proper discipline is allowing our children to
verbally express their anger (orgay) in constructive ways.
In order to succeed in the
enormous responsibility of training the children, the first and most important job of
Christian parents is being dependent on the Holy Spirit. Only then are we empowered to
train our children by example and experience to do the same. As they learn from the
consequences of their actions (experience) and by our model, they will also grow to depend
on the Holy Spirit and walk in mutual submission with the family.
CONCLUSION
"By God’s
design, the primary channel for learning one’s identity, for having needs met, for
understanding who God is, and for developing relationships -- is the family.
Relationships, especially those in families, are powerful. . . In 'grace-full' families. .
. individuals receive messages that they are loved and accepted, valuable, and not alone
to face life." (Families Where Grace Is in
Place, Jeff VanVonderen)
As individual family members
grow in their dependence upon the Holy Spirit, lives are changed, mutual submission
flourishes, and the fruit of the Spirit is manifested.
[NOTE: We have a more in-depth study
on the Marriage Covenant that not only includes I Corinthians 11 and I Peter 3, but also
includes a closer look at Genesis 1-3. Be prepared to receive an awesome
revelation!]
RECOMMENDED FOR FURTHER
STUDY:
Arp, Dave & Claudia. The
Ultimate Marriage Builder. Thomas Nelson Publ.
McAllister, Dawson. Search
for Significance: Youth Edition Discussion Manual. Shepherd Ministries, 2845 W.
Airport Fwy., Suite 137, Irving, TX 75062.
McManus, Michael J. Marriage
Savers. Zondervan Publ. House.
Mendez, David. Marriage
& Family Relationships. Logos Bible College & Graduate School.
Restoration Foundation,
Restoring Biblical Hebraic Womanhood (Click on "Restore! Magazine Online" and then
click on
Vol. 5, No. 1)
Smalley, Gary &
Greg. Bound by Honor. Today's Family, 1482 Lakeshore Dr., Branson, MO
65616.
Smalley, Gary. Hidden Keys
to Loving Relationships. (Videos) Today’s Family, 1482 Lakeshore Dr., Branson, MO
65616.
