FINDING YOUR MATE

by Steve and Terri White

Genesis 2:18-15; II Cor. 6:14

As the world sings "Breaking up Is Hard to Do," and peer pressure lures young adults into the 'dating game', teens and single adults around the country are discovering a better way. With divorce and 'living together' outside the bonds of marriage accepted as the norm today, young people are taking a second look at the contemporary phenomenon of dating.

Genesis 2:24 states that when a man and woman are united, they become one flesh. Flesh in Hebrew is basar. It encompasses not only the body, but also the soul of an individual. In a marriage-like relationship, the body and soul are intertwined and become one. If that union is broken, then your emotions are ripped apart, leaving a portion of yourself (soul/emotions) with the other perso. Even if a relationship does not include sexual encounters, most are deeply intimate emotionally. In the all too common 'breaking up' scenario, one’s soul is left bruised, bleeding, and fragmented. It appears, then, that the dating game prepares young people more for divorce than for a healthy marriage. For marriage to be successful it is best for each partner to enter it whole. Instead of giving your future spouse a used and broken basar, you can preserve your basar and present yourself as a whole and pure gift. Just as you would never presume to give someone a dirty, torn shirt for a gift, why should you settle for less in your relationships?

Since marriage was God’s idea to begin with, He must have a strategy for bringing two people together. His Word gives guidelines to help us choose the perfect mate. He has also established certain parameters to guide teens and single adults in their conduct toward one another.

The standard for finding your 'perfect mate', is stated in Genesis 2:22. "Then the rib which the LORD God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man."   Notice that it was God who chose Adam’s mate. This pattern is consistent with other biblical examples. Genesis 24 relates the story of how God chose Rebekah and Isaac for each other. Abraham, Isaac’s father, sent his servant to find a wife for Isaac. When the servant arrived in the land of Abraham’s relatives, he prayed that God would direct him to "the one whom You have appointed for Your servant Isaac." The young lady that came to the servant was a virgin with a servant’s heart. Isaac is depicted as a praying man. Both Rebekah and Isaac willingly cooperated with God’s choice, and God blessed their marriage.

As with Isaac and Rebekah, God calls you to be led by the Spirit in your male-female relationships. Dating relationships are often based on fleshly desires rather than on the leading of the Holy Spirit. Since you cannot obtain righteousness by the flesh (Gal. 3:3), neither can you obtain that deep love relationship with your future mate by efforts of the flesh. Your relationships need to be Spirit-led. You are promised in Psalm 37:4 that if you delight in the Lord, He will give you the desire of your heart. Instead of frantically searching for a mate through romantic dating, why not seek the Lord first and trust Him to bring your mate into your life? (Prov. 3:5, 6)

As an alternative to dating, young people are experiencing the joy of spending time with others in family and group gatherings. Clean friendships in group settings replace the romantic pressures of a date. When young people develop friendships with the opposite sex, they can relax and be themselves without trying to impress another person. Group outings that provide a variety of activities allow teens and young adults to get to know each other under different circumstances; activities might include: sports, birthday parties, bowling, community service, Bible studies, prayer meetings, short-term missions, chores, etc. During these years, young people should be able to relax and have the privilege of being friends with both boys and girls.

Christians are called to conduct their relationships with the opposite sex differently than the way the world does.

"Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart." (II Tim. 2:22)

"Do not be deceived; evil company corrupts good habits." (I Cor. 15:33)

You are instructed to conduct yourselves in a pure and holy fashion and to associate with others of the same mind. Therefore, if you are led by the Spirit, you will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh (Gal. 5:16; I John 2:15-17). These kinds of group activities help young people avoid getting themselves in situations that could stir up   lust. It is an environment in which you are encouraged to treat members of the opposite sex as your very own brother or sister.

Because friendship and common values should be the main reasons for any young man and woman to consider marriage to one another, these types of group settings allow the Holy Spirit to draw two people together without the artificial pullings of the dating game. When two people are mature enough, and receive the blessings of both sets of parents, the couple can begin a time of courting. This is different than casual dating. Dating involves no commitment; it is just a casual encounter. Courtship, on the other hand, is a commitment to the serious consideration of marriage. It is a time before marriage when the couple goes beyond friendship and enters into a loving relationship. Just as in the pre-courtship days, the couple should spend plenty of time with both sets of families and in other groups, being involved in a variety of activities. With careful boundaries, however, the couple can enjoy some time alone in wholesome and safe settings. No room should ever be allowed for physical intimacy; that only belongs to the marriage union. Thus, young people can enter marriage with a "clean slate."

The above paragraph mentioned that young people need to be mature enough to get married before courtship should begin. How do you know when you are mature enough? Connie Marshner, in her excellent book, Decent Exposure, recommends that self-control be regularly exercised in a single person’s life before marriage should even be considered. She told one young man that if he could live for one month without spending any money for extras, he was probably ready for marriage. Christian character and a relationship with the Lord are necessary, also.  When parents take their responsibilities seriously to prepare their children for adulthood, young people can be equipped for a blessed marriage.

God’s plan for you is perfect, and He has a perfect mate for you. Young people who follow the leading of the Holy Spirit will have marriages built on the Rock, and they will last through all the storms and changes of life. There is great liberty in trusting God for your future mate. This plan works for those who are totally committed to the Lord. Those receiving the leading of the Spirit are those seeking the Kingdom of God first, not mates, and those who are about their Father’s business. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." (Prov. 3:5, 6)

RECOMMENDED FOR FURTHER STUDY:

Decent Exposure, by Connie Marshner

I Kissed Dating Good-bye, by Joshua Harris

Raising Them Chaste, by Richard and Renee Durfield 

Bold Christian Living    3 tapes: Training Godly Teens; Scriptural Romance: Physical Purity; and Scriptural Romance: Emotional Purity.   Orders: Bold Christian Living, PO Box 820, Springville, CA 93265, USA; 800-454-6382.